Fed is Fed. My Journey With Pumping and Breastfeeding

Monthly Archives:November 2018

Loss continued…

19 Nov, 2018
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One day you are here the next you are not.

One day I am blogging a lot the next day not so much.

For seven months I have, as always, have blog ideas in my head…I even have some written out in my head.

But, I don’t want to write… You were my number one fan; always either commenting on my blog posts or commenting about them in email or on the phone. You are a writer…You were a writer… That is where I get my love of writing from.

I fear if I write it would almost take away from your death. Writing is therapy for me and maybe I am not ready to give up…to let go.

I loved to write. All the time… even just in my journal but not anymore.

You left and I went through a really bad time. I think maybe the only reason my heart did not stop beating was because I had a baby inside me waiting to be born. And…go figure he reminds me of you. His little face has some of your expressions at times and it’s wonderful in the most sad way ever if that makes any sense…

I knew God before you left. I clung to God after you passed. I found God in a new way for many months and then there was nothing. Physically I was better but spiritually there was nothing really there. I am not sure why…

I am happy…I feel good and I am sure that is in thanks to you…in to what work you are doing from the other side. However, every single day there is a hole left in my heart. Only one who has suffered loss understands that. Yes, “it changes and things get better and you learn to live without that person in your life” BUT…it’s still hard and I find myself wanting you back…wanting a sign of you…wanting to know where it is that you are? You can’t be unhappy in heaven but how does one whose loved ones are suffering “enjoy” the afterlife? How is that even possible.

Thanksgiving is in a few days and that was one of your favorite holidays. It will clearly not be the same without you. Who will I call the morning of to ask how long I should bake my turkey? Even though there is google… I called every year and asked the same questions. How do you make your gravy again? Though I know how to… I’ll be thinking of you when we eat and especially when we have our leftovers which was always your favorite part. I miss you Daddy. I love you. Thanks for taking care of us from wherever you are… #ripdaddy