Mom’s greatest invention: THE MEGAPHONE

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Mom’s greatest invention: THE MEGAPHONE

12 Nov, 2014
JoAnne
one comments

Talk to my parents on any given day and they will tell you that I came out of the womb SCREAMING.

 
Talk to my siblings on any given day and they will tell you my whole childhood up until I left the house at 19 I continued SCREAMING.

 
Talk to my neighbor on any given school morning at 7:30 a.m. and she will tell you I am SCREAMING.

 
Is it right to SCREAM? No. Is there a reason I do it? Yes. Maybe I came out of the womb screaming because I love a good entrance. Maybe I screamed my whole childhood because I was the last of five children and no one would ever let me get a word in edgewise. Maybe I scream nowadays because my children (OR HUSBAND) either don’t hear me, don’t listen to me or guess what; maybe I am just totally stressed out with my life of juggling 8 kids under 8, a job, a house, endless laundry, meals, diaper changes, cleaning, homework and “etc., etc., etc.”.

 
Regardless of why I scream I am always trying to change myself for the better even if it doesn’t appear that way. People may think I am prideful because of my killer confidence but actually, in reality, I am hard on myself. I don’t like it when I scream or lose my cool but sometimes it happens and after it happens what people may not see or here is the makeup sessions I have with my kids. I apologize, they apologize, and we laugh, move on and start over again.

 
One day it did dawn on me though, gosh, you know what, for 10 years I have lived basically 10 feet from my neighbor. For most of those 10 years my husband has been embarrassed by my screaming. It’s bad enough that I scream inside the walls of my own home but bear in mind that since I am perpetually nursing or pregnant I am always hot due to the hormone fluctuation. With that said it could be the polar vortex here and I will still have my windows open. So now my poor neighbor has to hear me like, in stereo. So when it hit me and I really thought about it I thought, oh poor Linda and Brian! And I made an effort to change that day.

The first day I blew it once. The second day I almost blew it. And then, that afternoon I decided to go shopping. This was ONLY FOUR days ago. I went to my favorite store to go shopping for a dress for an upcoming wedding. I decided to also browse the men’s aisle for Christmas presents for my hubby. And then I saw it….staring at me….from the depths of the dusty shelves all covered with useless gifts. Its appearance was IMMEDIATELY recognized. Flashback to years past when we used to take the children every year to a Corpus Christi procession at our Church. We went through the streets in a procession while praying the rosary. Because there were hundreds of people the only way that we could hear the leader of the rosary was because he had a megaphone. All at once upon spotting THIS GLORIOUS CREATION I fell to my knees, crumbling on the ground with tears of joy and arms wide open longing to embrace that sanity which only cost $12.99. Chills went up and down my side and I just knew. I knew that my moment of screaming had come to an end. VICTORY. SANITY. I was shaking. I pulled myself up from the floor and touched it. I flipped the switch from off to on, from silent to loud, took one deep breath in and one long breath out and, in the aisle of Ross Dress for Less, for all to see and here I said one thing: THANK YOU GOD, I AM SAVED! Make no drama about it; this was indeed my very salvation. As the persecutors looked on I switched the button to off and slowly and ever so gently wrapped the megaphone in the cashmere sweater that was in my cart. At that moment, I was Gollum and it was my precious.

 
At that point I could no longer think straight. I had to get home so I left and scurried home all excited to show the family. I made my entrance into the home saying, “Diaz, Diaz, please report to the car to help Mom with her bags!” And well, if I was excited about it you can only imagine how excited the 8 little kids were! They thought it was the best. My husband looked over at me and his look was priceless. It was half: OH GOOD LORD and the other half: OH MY, I think she’s got it! I just shrugged the first part of because in my heart of hearts I knew that this item and I were meant to be together FOREVER.

 
That was Sunday so I could barely sleep thinking about Monday morning. Ha! It was hysterical because one of my sons, who normally wakes up first, would not come upstairs. I finally went to get him and he was all wide awake and disappointed that I had not woken him up with the megaphone! Ha! So we proceed with my morning routine and I am all proud that I have not screamed. I just kept thinking I hope Linda (the neighbor) is sound asleep! Then it was time to go. This is where normally the screaming begins. So I called the children. Nothing. I called them again nothing. Mind you they are 10 feet from me. I get the itch to scream and think that this is the moment I have been waiting for. Here goes the test. And with that I grab the megaphone and I say, “Diaz children, it is time to leave” to which, like robots, they immediately jump up, shut the TV off, and go to the car. OMG! Where have you been all my life, beautiful?! As I kissed the megaphone.

 
The rest is pretty much history. I kid you not, I have not screamed since Sunday. First time in 38.25 years. Whenever I get the itch, like a recovering addict, I anxiously look for my megaphone and the problem is solved. This goes for conversations with my husband too!

 
Aside from the obvious reason I got this item which was to be heard, to be listened to WITHOUT SCREAMING this item has been SO MUCH FUN. The children love it when I pick them up from school, they go to the playground and as I sit talking in my car with my BFF next to me in her car, every so often I will use the megaphone to say, “Peter, play nice!” or now, other kids that come to the car, I will say funny things to them through the megaphone and they love it. All of their cute little faces light up like a Christmas tree! Even the parents who I do not know or randomly speak to they love it. Yesterday on the playground they stood up and started clapping saying they need to get one! I even posted a video on my personal Facebook page because I am convinced every woman and especially Mother should have one. The other day all four of my kids, for the first time ever, tackled cleaning a trashed playroom all because I was giving out orders on the megaphone! “Peter you are on vacuuming, Anthony, you are on garbage control, Maria you are on toy sorting, Bella you are on putting the shoes away.” IT WAS SHEER BLISS. And on our way to school in the morning I used to struggle with the kids getting and keeping on their seatbelts. Now, we get in the car and I pretend like I am an airline stewardess, “Por favor, place your seatbelts across you in an orderly fashion and properly stow your backpacks under your seats.”

 
So, do you want to be heard? Do you want your spouse or children to listen to you? Do you want to give up screaming for good? Enjoy your children more? Save tons of energy that you will feel given back to you and which you then in turn can give that good energy to your spouse and kids? THEN GO OUT RIGHT NOW AND INVEST IN A MEGAPHONE. Satisfaction guaranteed or I will remove this blog! So far I am due to buy my Mom one and my BFF. Hurry and get yours soon because once I become famous there may be a shortage! Oh and just remember to buy extra C batteries because they last thing you need is that beautiful little baby dying on you when you need it most!

 
God bless,
JoAnne

 
Blogger’s note: some of the stories in this blog have been altered for maximum enjoyment. Oh, and there is drama and exaggeration…like the salvation part. Only Jesus is my salvation! Amen!

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1 Comment

  1. JoAnne December 10, 2014 at 3:31 pm Reply

    ..OMG…SOOOOOOOOOFUNNY..HOPE I GET ONE!!!

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