This sucks. This being post-partum depression. One day up the next day down. You never know what each day will bring. As the days past you wonder when you will be back to normal. But as the days past you almost forget what normal, your normal, is. It’s like the pit of post-partum depression was so deep that you forget what it felt like to be normal because well, being normal doesn’t take any work and we likely take it for granted.
There will be days that I think I am totally fine and then my daughter will come up to me and wave her hand in front of me and tell me she is breaking my stare. I was starring? OMG I was…thanks. Something so small as that that I didn’t even notice. A blank stare into the nothingness of post-partum depression.
Then there will be other days where I sense it coming on out of no where; utter anxiety. The kicker is I have anxiety about absolutely nothing which makes no sense. But this illness is illogical so what can you do?
I think what I miss most of about my being normal is that I didn’t have to think about being happy or joyful; I just was. I always was well when I wasn’t screaming at my kids because they drew on the walls or whatnot! It is mind boggling to me that one has to make an effort to be happy or joyful. One has to do something to cause that feeling in them but I never really had to.
I am not sure if and when my normal will return. I am not sure I will even recognize it. But if it does come and I do remember it to be my normal I will embrace it in the most extraordinary way.