It is absolutely amazing to me how, now that I am going through this bout of postpartum depression, one small element can put me into a depression or anxiety tizzy.This never ever happened to me before and I hate it. But, it is what it is, as they say.
Two days ago was a great day. It was productive. I had gotten a few projects done outside of my job and keeping our children alive. But then the afternoon came and I got sideswapped by some really crappy news. And that is all it took for me see that postpartum depression rabbit hole. Like that -I could feel- in an instant, the wave of postpartum depression setting in.
In moments like that I do thank God that I have a big family because fortunately I cannot fall into that hole, that pit of despair. I have no choice but to continue to take care of my family while trying to process the crappy news and work through the motions. Do I want to crawl into bed and hide? YES. Would I if I didn’t have kids? Probably. I honestly wanted to pull a Kim Kardashian and say: cancel everything! I am done! I am going into hiding…for months! Maybe years! LOL
But instead I got the kids off to school and I arrived home knowing that I needed to work for my job. I did not want to but I did. After I did what I had to do I plopped down on the couch and looked down at my PJs. Lately I have been so good and actually taking showers in the morning but up until that point yesterday was not that day. I thought to myself, I can sit here, in my PJs and do nothing while the babies sleep OR I can get up and shower and forge ahead. And that is what I did though still dealing with my feelings at the same time. I did my laundry that had pilled up for days. I straightened the house. I cleaned a carpet in one room that really needed it. I took a shower and then I went on the air for a scheduled interview. After that I ran errands and got a massage.
For those of you who do not know me massage therapy is for stress relief for me and not for relaxation. I perpetually have knots galore and I always need a tune up. Yesterday is the first day I can say that I ever had a massage and experienced not 1, not 2 but 3 waves of anxiety during it. I have no idea why it happened but it happened. I rode the wave each time and it ended. I left with my knots out and knowing that whatever benefits there are that I am missing from massage therapy I knew they would be applied.
I picked up my kids and went home. I had zero interest in homework. I had zero interest in dinner. In fact I called my husband to warn him. That is like the McDonald’s call. However, he did not answer so I had no choice but to actually cook. I cooked a hot meal. I did the homework. I overcame it: that beast which is called whatever you call it.
My husband came home and we ate dinner as a family as per the norm. At first I thought I wouldn’t eat at all but right now I am experiencing the flip side of depression: I want to eat and eat and eat some more. After we talked I read the news alone and went to bed. For the first time in I do not know how long I actually slept for a straight 10 hours. Yes, 10 hours with no regrets.
The question is did I sleep because I was gifted with sleep for once or did I sleep because I was depressed? I say the latter only because I am awake every night for several hours. If you don’t believe me check my Facebook page.
Yesterday I consider to be a stellar ride of a large wave. I could have stayed in bed. I could have not done a thing. I chose something else. I chose to fight back. This is coming from someone who knows VERY WELL that there are some people every day and there are some days (for people like me now) where you have nothing in you to fight and that you do stay in bed all day. And that is ok. I get it.
As I cleaned my bathrooms yesterday (which I rarely do) I looked in the mirror and in my depressed state I had a moment of happiness; I was happy because I remember a short seven months ago I was not able to clean my own home. I remember vividly being on the couch watching others clean my house. As I looked in the mirror I thought to myself, “This is just a wave and you will ride it and it will be over and you will be afloat. Just keep swimming!”
And that is what happened. Today is a new day. Is it a great day? No. Is it as productive as I wanted it to be? No. But I am here. I am alive. And I survived the wave.