Twas two weeks into school and I was feeling uber confident. After picking up the kids and allowing them to play on the playground I came home and gave them some down time while I made the lunches for the next day. I then called each child one by one to go through their backpacks with them. I decided I would give my husband a break from doing homework and I would get er’ done! So I started with the pre-k 4 kid, “Oh wow! Look at what you made today! Great job!” She didn’t have homework so after some high fives we were golden. Next! The Kindergarten kid comes up. “My, look at how well you are learning to write your name! Awesome!” She then sits down all excited to do her homework. We do it together in less than 5 minutes. The kid is actually beaming to do her homework. She loves it. She’s invested in it. Go you! I love girls. Girls are so easy (NOW!). Next!
Then it was the 1st grader’s turn. He would not budge from the couch. I kept calling and calling his name and like every male on the planet, I know he too suffered from selective hearing. Finally I used humor. “Oh Anthony, your ROYAL hinny is being requested at the kitchen table!” I heard laughter but that was it. So I walk over and basically tickle the kid until he finally comes over. So we sit down and I pull out his reading book and there I see him with that finger in his mouth. The kid is almost 7 years old and still sucking his finger! He actually started reading with his finger in his mouth. So I look at him and tell him, “If you don’t take that finger out of your mouth I am going to bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep bleep?!” (Sidebar note: For the fun of it I won’t tell you what I actually said but I will tell you that the highlight of what I said was a curse word which I NEVER EVER SAY curse words if front of my kids! The look on his face was PRICELESS. He looked at me, I looked at him. I was thinking in my head, “OMG did I really say that outloud?! Did he hear me?!” And he was looking at me literally like, “You’re the best Mom eva!” Well, my bad, I guess a curse word never hurt nobody! We both cracked up and a moment later he tried to put his finger in his mouth. I immediately took his two hands in my one hand and held them on his lap. I used my other hand to help him read the words on the page. We then read the book very slowly one word at a time. The chapter we were reading was maybe 10 pages with at best 4 words on a page. Finally we got to the end. And then I realized oh crap there is a q&a! Was he paying attention because I surely wasn’t?! As much as I heart Pam and her cat it was approaching five o’clock somehere. Lol! He was like, “Mom, we don’t need to do q&a” but I insisted we do it and I just hoped for the best since I live off a wing and a prayer all the time anywhoo. He actually knew the answers. Whew. Then onto Religion. I must be bias because I loved that part of his homework! That part was for me to read to him and then ask him questions. It was easy because the Chapter was on how God was His Father and loved him. He knew that already so it was a breeze! Ok, off you go laddy. Next!
Now the 3rd grader. If you thought the 1st grader was tough to get off the couch just wait! I called him, called him again, used the royal hinny shout out but nothing. I literally had to chase the kid around the house. He was running from me like the plague. The next thing I know he is under the kitchen table. No lie! The kid is almost 100 pounds mind you and now not only he but four other kids have joined him under the kitchen table. I’m not really athlehic nor do I have or make the time to exercise but I was not having it. Needless to say he was surprised that I actually got down and crawled under the kitchen table to get him. At this point the other four kids thought it was hysterical that big old Mommy was under the table. Oh great, now I have gotten a house full of hyper kids. Good move, JoAnne. Geez. My son, in the very limited space, is still trying to get away from me so I pull him back, tickle him and give him a semi-wedgie. He gets up hysterically laughing and hugs me. I remind him how just recently I tackled him in football and that just because he’s big and athletic doesn’t mean a thing. We sit down and I give him his choice of what to start with. He chose reading. Well if I thought Pat or Pam, whatever the heck her name was, with her cat Max was boring, I should think again. The title of the Chapter was Boom Town. Need I say more? So he started reading and I sat there trying to look excited as I learned about Boom Town and it’s pies. But all I could do was hear her…her, my BFF, Chardy, aka Chardonnay calling me because after all, did I mention it was five o’clock somehere? Stay focused, JoAnne (I kept repeating my head). Unlike the other kid’s story, this one was long – like 20 friggin pages long! OMG. Even the kid was getting tired from reading but he kept on keeping on. Finally we got to the end and I just could not get over it. It was so so SO SO SO boring! Why not read Lord of the Rings or a story about Knights and Princesses but this, come on, please! So I asked him, “Did you find that story enjoyable?” To which he replied, “Yes, Mom.” And then I asked him why because I just had to know. He said, “Because I love pies! Mom, can you buy me a pumpkin pie?!” Oh great, not only did I have to be tortured with Pat or Pam, then the pie peeps, but now I’m at a deficit because I have to go buy pie! O Joy! This homework business is not turning out how I expected it to. Next it was on to Math. We were doing just fine until we got to the part where it asked me to, “write the place and the value of the underlined digit.” Hmmm…I have not used this part of my brain in I don’t know how long. So even though I have killer confidence I was doubting myself so I actually called my husband. He confirmed I was right. Whew, I’m not so stupid after all. I asked him the second one and then he confused me. Argh! Dang it! I could feel the sweat on my brow and in my hands. Oh goodness, those evil post partum hormones are coming on all because of a friggin 3rd grader’s Math homework! That’s it. I quit! I hung up the phone with my hubby and joyfully told my son we were taking a little break. Never let them see you sweat! lol! Dad came home shortly thereafter and finished the homework with him and – THANK THE GOOD LORD – I was at last reunited with Chardy!
Needless to say I have gained a tremendous appreciation for my husband helping the kids with their homework! Major lessons learned today on my part, for sure! At least now I know my own limitations and to leave the homework to Dad! After all he’s in the education field for a reason!